The World's Biggest Idiot

That's me. That's who I am. Who I was. Who I have become.

Who leaves a perfectly adequate job to become unemployed for 18 months? The world's biggest idiot, that's who.

I thought my job was killing me (I was not wrong but still). I thought I would be better off without the stress of my depressing workplace (I am, probably). But being unemployed, day after day, has its own way of sucking the soul out of you, chewing it up and spitting it out.

At Least They Let Me Know

Smangela -

We have received your application for the position of Concierge - Part Time, evenings and weekends. Although your qualifications are impressive, we have decided to move forward with another candidate at this time.

Thank you for your interest in *our company* and we wish you the best in your career endeavors.

Thank you,
*our company*

College Is Not for Everyone

I can't tell you how much it burns me up when I hear people saying this. Or when I see articles to this extent. It gets under my skin. Why?

It's not because it's not true. Yeah. College isn't for everyone. And I agree that we should invest more in highly skilled tech jobs, etc. And people should follow their hearts, etc.

What gets me is that it seems to me, by and large, that the people who are saying this are themselves college educated white-collar professionals whose own children will most certainly be attending a fine university.

What gets me is that it smacks of elitism.

The people they are referring to who aren't meant to be attending college will end up being the kids who have never had any advantages. They will be the kids from low income families. They will be the kids who never had someone help them with their homework. They'll be the kids who went to inner city public schools and didn't get to do extracurricular activities. They'll be the kids who are on the school lunch program and on food stamps. They'll be the kids who are the ones who need a college education to lift themselves into the middle class.

Sure, there will be good paying jobs for them after their vocational school training. Certainly there will be. But these jobs don't pay quite as well as a nice white-collar job do they? As much as a columnist or pundit claims that his plumber makes more than him, we all know that's bullshit. The plumber doesn't get the perks you get. And when he gets arthritis and can't work any more, well there goes his income... Too bad he doesn't have a college degree to fall back on.

People who say "College isn't for everyone". They're talking about other people's kids. They just want to make sure they have a working class under them doing all the shit they don't want their kids to do.

Catching Up

I wish I could get myself to write here regularly. Particularly because so many interesting things have happened in the year the I have not written...

As I have still not found work, the entire family is on medicaid. What sucks about that, though, is that UNLIKE insurance, your adult son cannot be on your policy. So when my oldest came back from college and promptly became very ill I had to scurry around to find a way to get him some medical help. It was difficult but not impossible, and it involved taking my sick son to the bank to open a checking account for him so that we could get their free notary to notarize a letter that said he had no income. And then spend the rest of the afternoon in the waiting area of the doctor's office only to be told that it was probably a virus.

In any case, we are all on our own medicaid plans now. And healthy, for the time being.

I briefly adhered to a very strict workout and home improvement schedule before my son took ill. And after that basically everything went downhill. My big dreams of self-improvement, home improvement, and becoming a soap maker and furniture refinisher vanished alongside last years dreams of painting a mural on the garage door. By October I was experiencing such frequent anxiety that I insisted my doctor put me on Prozac.

Also during that summer my son received an unexpected letter from the university telling him he had been suspended for a year for disciplinary reasons. We tried in vain to fight the expulsion. When we finally couldn't fight any more, Tony called the housing department to tell them he would not be attending. And then what do you know? We receive a bill for $500 because we did not cancel the housing contract in time. So there was another pointless fight. [And in my opinion, the school purposely waited until mid summer to notify my son just so they could squeeze another $500 out of us! I am encouraging him not to ever return.]

Once the school year started we had a full house again. The only thing missing was a dog -- it had been a year since we lost our beloved old Sadie. So on Black Friday when the whole world was out shopping, we used our Christmas shopping fund to rescue a beautiful pit bull boxer from the local pet shelter. While puppies are a lot of work - especially strong willed energetic dogs like Kyla -- the joy they bring more than makes up for the stress. JOY! It's a wonderful thing...

My middle child is my most ambitious. He has always been self-motivated - finding soccer teams to join and scholarships to apply for. While I push and prod my other two children to do something - ANYTHING! Adan pushes himself.

This was his Senior year -- his last year playing varsity soccer (obviously). He didn't want to play goalie anymore so he was trying out other positions (he started all last year only to be benched on the final game which for him was heartbreaking). The result was he hardly played all season. The coach instead played freshman and sophomores. It was maddening. And, I suppose, character building.

During this same time, however, Adan had sought out for a Questbridge College Match Scholarship. I had spent the entire soccer season listening to the other, more financially endowed mothers talk about what schools their children had visited and where they would apply without ever being asked about Adan's schools (we had visited exactly none, but for the one trip to Northwestern for a Questbridge conference). Now... we don't broadcast our financial woes, but I'm fairly certain that my wardrobe and lack of manicure tells them everything they need to know. Though getting a scholarship was a longshot, it truly was Adan's only chance to attend a really good school. So when he was notified in early December that he was awarded a full ride to the University of Pennsylvania it was truly like winning the lottery.

The Project of Me

I have wanted to quit my job for years. Which is interesting since I only started three years ago so it was quite soon that this feeling surfaced... Last month it finally dawned on me that I needed to leave. For my body (which had been on the decline since shortly after starting there) and for my sanity (which had also been on said decline). The decision became very clear the day I drove my daughter to school snapped at her in the car. My daughter is a very strong person, not typically taken to crying. But there she was in my car crying out of frustration and exasperation because I had treated her badly. I didn't mean to treat her badly. I was just tired. Tired because I seem to have only enough energy for one part of my life. I give all the good stuff to my job and then any leftovers to my family. That is not right. That has to change.

A lot of other things came to bear; details I don't really care to get into hear. But I realized that I had been unhappy at work for some time and that there was going to be no change in my situation there in the foreseeable future - or that actually it would get worse for me there. So I tendered my resignation last month without any real kind of plan. All I knew something out there has to be better. But before I find that, I had to rebuild my self confidence from the inside out. I had to work on me.

So here we are in Project Me. I will be taking the summer off from work to "work" on ME. Physically through exercise, massage, yoga and eating better. Spiritually through mediation. And mentally through freeing myself from the mind games and other work junk. By the end of the summer I intend to be work capable, work ready, and self confident and happy enough to get any job.

Day One

I am proud of myself! After taking the kids to school, I went straight to the gym. I rode the bike and SWAM.. It felt FANTASTIC! It's so much nicer to workout without the stress of having to go back to work.

Afterwards I got a lot done.

Social Benediction

It's one of those days when I feel that everyone else is moving forward in life and I am standing still. Or worse, I am moving backwards.

On days like this, social media does not help. I understand that most people only post on Facebook when things are going well. But it seems like everyone is living the dream! Their posts might as well say, "Look at me! I'm thin and beautiful!", "I have a stunning home!", "My kids are top athletes and scholars!". If I were honest my posts would read: "I'm 15 pounds overweight and getting uglier by the minute!", "I married a male-chauvinist pig!", "My son is an addict!", "I never kicked my eating disorder!", "Our house has been in foreclosure for four years!".

My life sucks!

But then I realize... I realize that my posts do not say "I have cancer", "I lost my job", "We don't have enough to eat". I realize that my posts don't say "The gang violence in my neighborhood is so bad my kids can't go out after dark". I realize that if I compare my life to that of a few, privileged people I will always come up on the short end.

Maybe I'll start posting these status updates: "The air in my neighborhood is relatively clean", "The water from my tap is drinkable!", "Yeah! I have indoor plumbing!", "It's very unlikely that I will contract malaria tonight!", "I'm almost certain that the drug cartels are not going to murder my entire family!", "I have so many pairs of shoes I can wear a different one each day of the week!".

I am indeed blessed...

Ok, here's what I wanted to post...

So... I posted a list just this morning of the things I need to do. Being tough on myself, etc. You know what I really wanted to post? You know what I almost always want to post? What fills my sick little mind?

Eating Disorder thoughts.

I want to be sick. I want to indulge in my eating disorder like there is no tomorrow. I want to stuff myself and  vomit. And then I want to starve myself until there is nothing left.

I want to run and run and run. And then do yoga for the rest of the day.

I want to feel that awesome sense of control and savor harboring my secret.

I want to watch the numbers go down, down down.

I want to act on these thoughts that are always always always in my head! Because they are always there. They never turn off. They never go away. They never leave me alone.