Ok, here's what I wanted to post...

So... I posted a list just this morning of the things I need to do. Being tough on myself, etc. You know what I really wanted to post? You know what I almost always want to post? What fills my sick little mind?

Eating Disorder thoughts.

I want to be sick. I want to indulge in my eating disorder like there is no tomorrow. I want to stuff myself and  vomit. And then I want to starve myself until there is nothing left.

I want to run and run and run. And then do yoga for the rest of the day.

I want to feel that awesome sense of control and savor harboring my secret.

I want to watch the numbers go down, down down.

I want to act on these thoughts that are always always always in my head! Because they are always there. They never turn off. They never go away. They never leave me alone.

Time to shape the fuck up! My resolutions:

1. Write an effin' blog post already! A real one - this list shit doesn't count. It's been more than six months! If you can't keep up a blog you have no sense in having one!
2. Get a job. One that pays money this time! Enough of being complacent in your easy job with the convenient location and great hours. It doesn't pay the bills! Just get real already! In order to make a REAL living you might need to inconvenience yourself just a bit! 
3. Clean up the fucking house! It's a pig sty! And don't do it just once... you're going to have to maintain the order by cleaning regularly!
4. Take the pets to the vet. What kind of irresponsible pet owner are you? You may not be swimming in money but instead of getting pizza every Friday you could take the dog and cat in for proper care!
5. And get them groomed while you're at it! The dog STINKS to high heaven! Shell out the bucks to have someone clean her!
6. THROW SHIT OUT! Shouldn't be that hard. You've got a lotta shit laying around. If it's shit it should be thrown out. End of story!
7. Go to the grocery store on a regular basis and cook real, balanced meals!
8. Stop drinking! What's it getting you? I know you're not an alcoholic, but the money and calories you waste with booze isn't worth the moments of dulled pleasure it gives you... Think about it!
9. Balance your budget. You're wasting your money on lots of shit and spending like you make way more than you do. Even if I can't prove it you KNOW it's true!
10. Here's where we get serious: either love your husband, or leave him...

The truth

It took me a week or two, but I reached out to the high school classmate who lost her son. And I feel compelled to set the record straight.

Andy was not bullied. He was an outgoing teenager, by all accounts very active in school and in the community, well loved by everyone. And he was always smiling.

He showed no signs of depression. There was no warning that this was coming.

They  don't really know why Andy chose to end his own life. They didn't see it coming. They are in shock.

It's perhaps more perplexing that he was not bullied...

I shared with Ann that I attempted suicide several times during high school (I wanted her to know that her son didn't realize the pain that it would cause his family). I guess my parents would have been shocked if I had succeeded then. As it was, they didn't even know the first several times. After high school I would go into treatment for my eating disorder, followed by several more attempts and then a stint in the psych ward.

Since then I have dealt with suicidal urges off and on. The most serious came during recovery from an anorexic period several years ago. I actually wrote a note. But I realized that I could never go through with it because I knew my children would suffer and I worried for their future.

I'm going to leave this post half-baked as it is. It's taking me to a place I don't like to go. I need to be present. Live in the now.

God bless!

Put in Place

On Thursday, 7 am, I received a phone call from the dean of my son's high school. "If Tony is out of uniform again, he will receive 10 days out-of-school suspension". God damnit! First of all - will my son never learn? Second of all - who is this dean to call me out of the blue and threaten my son with suspension? Isn't that a LITTLE harsh? I say as much. "Ma'am, this is considered an serious violation".

Well.. in my shock, I didn't exactly go off on him. I wish I had. I would have said something like, "Mr. So-and-so, do you think people respond well to threats? Well then, let's see how you like it? If you give my son suspension for being out of uniform, I will see to it that you lose your job and your pension, too!" Asshole!

But of course, I didn't say that. I did tell him that this threat was a bit out of line considering all my son has done was wear a sweatshirt over his polo. I did tell him that his call was causing me undo stress and anxiety. I did let him know that he should keep me informed of my son's infractions instead of letting them build up and then stressing me (the fuck) out.

The dean agreed to take my email address and notify me before any further action was taken against my son. Still, I was upset. My heart rate would not calm down since the phone call...

An hour later I happened upon a message on facebook. A friend from high school had recently lost her 16 year old son. He committed suicide several weeks ago after being bullied relentlessly at school.

Oh my.

My problems are suddenly silly. My son, even if he gets suspended... even if he gets expelled... he is alive! He will live to get his GED and go to community college.

God damn! I cannot imagine the pain that this boy must have gone through to end his own life. I cannot imagine the sorrow his parents and sibling (a twin!) are feeling at his loss! God help me, I never want to know!

My heart rate slowed. My anxieties quelled. Anger has been replaced by sadness...

Andy Hendel rest in peace.

Shame

I'm ashamed to admit this. Really ashamed. I'd rather fess up to all my emotional problems and pleasure seeking behaviors. I'd rather wear a t-shirt that says "I have taken my ambien and stayed awake for the buzz". Or a hat that says, "I binge. I purge." I'd rather display all my self-induced scars than say what I'm about to say.

I want it. I do. I want IT. I want ALL that stuff They have! I want the nice house! I want the nice car!  I want to be able to vacation, and send my kids to a great school! I want to be able to buy nice clothes for myself and for my kids! And go out to dinner at a nice restaurant without feeling out of place!

I want it all!

And I am jealous.

Uncertainty

There are days when I feel like a real failure. I mean, I'm forty-two years old and just barely scraping by financially. My husband and I are separated and I'm living in an apartment with my three kids. I'm employed by a bankrupt state government and my salary doesn't even cover my rent. Our house is in foreclosure. And I have a sixteen year old who is failing all his classes. I'm also overweight.

I have never been ambitious career-wise. I don't know that my personality allows for that. I lack focus much of the time as well. I have a more creative temperament, but I never considered an artistic career. I wish I had.

Now I'm wrestling with where to go from here. I feel like time is running out - like if I don't start down a road right now I'm going to be stuck wandering forever. But which way do I go?