Put in Place

On Thursday, 7 am, I received a phone call from the dean of my son's high school. "If Tony is out of uniform again, he will receive 10 days out-of-school suspension". God damnit! First of all - will my son never learn? Second of all - who is this dean to call me out of the blue and threaten my son with suspension? Isn't that a LITTLE harsh? I say as much. "Ma'am, this is considered an serious violation".

Well.. in my shock, I didn't exactly go off on him. I wish I had. I would have said something like, "Mr. So-and-so, do you think people respond well to threats? Well then, let's see how you like it? If you give my son suspension for being out of uniform, I will see to it that you lose your job and your pension, too!" Asshole!

But of course, I didn't say that. I did tell him that this threat was a bit out of line considering all my son has done was wear a sweatshirt over his polo. I did tell him that his call was causing me undo stress and anxiety. I did let him know that he should keep me informed of my son's infractions instead of letting them build up and then stressing me (the fuck) out.

The dean agreed to take my email address and notify me before any further action was taken against my son. Still, I was upset. My heart rate would not calm down since the phone call...

An hour later I happened upon a message on facebook. A friend from high school had recently lost her 16 year old son. He committed suicide several weeks ago after being bullied relentlessly at school.

Oh my.

My problems are suddenly silly. My son, even if he gets suspended... even if he gets expelled... he is alive! He will live to get his GED and go to community college.

God damn! I cannot imagine the pain that this boy must have gone through to end his own life. I cannot imagine the sorrow his parents and sibling (a twin!) are feeling at his loss! God help me, I never want to know!

My heart rate slowed. My anxieties quelled. Anger has been replaced by sadness...

Andy Hendel rest in peace.

Shame

I'm ashamed to admit this. Really ashamed. I'd rather fess up to all my emotional problems and pleasure seeking behaviors. I'd rather wear a t-shirt that says "I have taken my ambien and stayed awake for the buzz". Or a hat that says, "I binge. I purge." I'd rather display all my self-induced scars than say what I'm about to say.

I want it. I do. I want IT. I want ALL that stuff They have! I want the nice house! I want the nice car!  I want to be able to vacation, and send my kids to a great school! I want to be able to buy nice clothes for myself and for my kids! And go out to dinner at a nice restaurant without feeling out of place!

I want it all!

And I am jealous.